July 15, 2006
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I just don’t understand it sometimes…(life, if you know what I mean). I watch as the people who influence me and I influence them find their happy ending, yet I never do. Am I condemned to living a life of wandering over the planet, doing good and sharing all of me in to little bread crumbs and receive none in return? I just don’t understand. Maybe becoming emo isn’t such a bad idea, since I have these ravings.

Why is it that I never receive emotional happiness and only physical happiness, with useless items to decor the body and the environment? Is it because I am “bad” or “evil”? Did I ever do something wrong?

 I try to be nice. I try to be polite. Even when I do something right, somebody usually gets hurt. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. No more.


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Riding the Fence.

April 19, 2006
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Ever felt like you were stuck in the middle of something, and couldn't possibly escape? Well, that's me, in a nutshell. So many things happen so often, it's like I am being bombarded with millions of questions. I'm ready to break from these chains of entrapment, and sail away, on my little ship, to my Utopiax. Ah, to be away, from everything and everyone, is to be utterly desired, but never acheived. I couldn't imagine it if I even dared.

Sometimes I just don't know how to feel. Emotions don't come like a geyser to me anymore. I've become someone I want to be: cold, hard, incompassionate, but I don't want to be that either. I hate how I expose too much or too little, or the wrong thing at the right time. I'm a living, breathing paradox. Heh. Maybe I like that. It sounds jovial to me.

Hmmmm. It seems to me that most of my friends are slipping away from me. I don't even know who they are anymore. I've heard the rumors, and I don't want to believe them. I just want to say it's all wrong. I want time to slip back to the time when I wasn't like this.  When I wasn't at mortal combat with people I had previously loved, and the losing of a friend. It makes me depressed to think of these things, yet when I try not to, I do it even more. I like being alone now. Being around people just means I could slip and allow this verbal spewing out. Why risk something when I could prevent it?

Could it be said that a human being can be a supernatural being, since we can alter our own future and past? We can predict.

Wow, I sound emo. Sorry guys, just having some patchy times here.

I swear, I'll be okay.