Utopiax

My Journey to the Land of Milk and Honey….well, maybe Target.

April 21, 2006
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Today is Friday, which means it’s the weekend. Hurrah. Now I can relax.  I went to Walmart today to get my nails done, and I saw tons of prom drones there. Bleh. They make me sick.  Everyone deserted me today, either going to another state, or to the middle part of the state, or just going home and deserting me. Hmm. Whatever. It’s so hard to type in these stupid nails. UGH. I’m pealing them off monday. YAY.

Prom is tomorrow and EDBD is next Sunday! I can’t wait for both. But in the meantime and seamtime, keep it real. Yo. ROFL.

Bored. Out . Of . My. Mind.

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You and Me are drifting into outer space.

April 20, 2006
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Holy Cow Vodka Sauce.

I speak, yet you don’t hear me. I watch you, but you don’t see me. I long for you, yet you don’t long for me.

I feel as if I’m in vain. I’m just not sure what I am going to do. A rut in my spokes has occurred. People don’t understand how hard it is for me to speak up, yet how easily I can listen, and pretend to agree. Damn my charisma. Damn it all. Bleh.

On a lighter note, I’m becoming more focused in school. I guess I should since I have an AP test to pass in less than 3 weeks. Maybe this new side of introversy is working to my advantage. I like that.

I want a southern drawl, so then I can dress up like a cowgirl and then everybody will look at me. And how stupid I look.


Posted in random., school.

Riding the Fence.

April 19, 2006
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Ever felt like you were stuck in the middle of something, and couldn't possibly escape? Well, that's me, in a nutshell. So many things happen so often, it's like I am being bombarded with millions of questions. I'm ready to break from these chains of entrapment, and sail away, on my little ship, to my Utopiax. Ah, to be away, from everything and everyone, is to be utterly desired, but never acheived. I couldn't imagine it if I even dared.

Sometimes I just don't know how to feel. Emotions don't come like a geyser to me anymore. I've become someone I want to be: cold, hard, incompassionate, but I don't want to be that either. I hate how I expose too much or too little, or the wrong thing at the right time. I'm a living, breathing paradox. Heh. Maybe I like that. It sounds jovial to me.

Hmmmm. It seems to me that most of my friends are slipping away from me. I don't even know who they are anymore. I've heard the rumors, and I don't want to believe them. I just want to say it's all wrong. I want time to slip back to the time when I wasn't like this.  When I wasn't at mortal combat with people I had previously loved, and the losing of a friend. It makes me depressed to think of these things, yet when I try not to, I do it even more. I like being alone now. Being around people just means I could slip and allow this verbal spewing out. Why risk something when I could prevent it?

Could it be said that a human being can be a supernatural being, since we can alter our own future and past? We can predict.

Wow, I sound emo. Sorry guys, just having some patchy times here.

I swear, I'll be okay.


Over and out.

April 18, 2006
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Today is a monday. Another sleep-depriven day, that everyone sheepishly drags their carcasses around school. I can say the same for myself, except, today, I was different.  I wasn't in the crowd today, I was just there.  I was drifting…not really paying attention.  Why really express what I feel when no one wants to hear about it in this crap world? I do have feelings here. It's just that at the tip of all the loving compassion in my being, I have a hole, that's been ripped open by the past, letting my emotions ooze over everything. I guess you can say I an impassionate now. So much of my love was spread, that there is none left to be given.  I've tried so hard in my life to be great and sympathetic, but, why should I give so much, when what I need is someone to give to me? My dreams have been shattered too many times, yet I just picked up the pieces again, and travelled on.  I'm just so damn tired from travelling that path. I'm ready to be impressed, and inspired to carry on with my life. Right now it's just…there, with nothing as the filling part of my body. Just a lump in a world of lumps that is full of crap. Ohhh, so vulgar. Bleh.

I miss the good ol' days. But, I don't really, because I don't remember what those days were. I never had any before.

 The world and life can be so complicated at times. I wish I could understand. But, then I would be selfish and not tell anyone about it.  My own secret, that no one else would comprehend.  I just don't know anymore.

I'm over.

P.S.- Excuse my rambling, if you do care.


April 14, 2006
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I need some people to dress up with me like the characters in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Anyone take the bid? Trust me, prancing around in costumes on the last  day of school is fun.

Want to inquire me about what I am doing for my birthday? Well, comment on some of my posts, and maybe I shall tell you.


The Beautiful Setback.

April 13, 2006
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While it might seem that I'm a bit crazy, a slightly dillusional, I totally agree with you. I can't seem to provoke the thought from my head that can give me a plausible explanation to why I am so…awkward and….unique, if I must say. Sometimes I find that it is to my advantage, and others, unfortunately, not. Similarly, I've had the wonderful delight of being that awkward, shy girl that has always been there in my soul and I've always tried to supress. Everytime that I view a certain living being, I become concave, and shut up, and…I guess I can say this, sappy. I just want to explode, for I am in the interior of my brain, yelling and pounding on the walls, let me speak, let me act, let me think, and let me breathe. But, I can't. This emotion just keeps overflowing the other intuitive thoughts. While this occurs, I know in my heart that this is the living being that is sufficient to my well-being. Yet, other living beings try to seduce and woo me. I guess in the words of my friends, I can deduce that I am in a pickle.

I need to remember to think before I act again.


Another day, another good-doer slain…

April 11, 2006
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Because of Tirth, and his successful blog, I will now start to write in one too, since it seems like a good idea. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read it, but, whatever. It's how I will communicate with everyone. I might if you are lucky, post some of my prose in here, but, that's for another day.But anywho, back to the main reason why I'm here; to prove that there is a hole in the inside of my head and it's getting bigger.  As so many things durate in my feeble life, I feel the urge to purge the verbal dieherria that I supposedly must keep silent in society for me to be "acceptable." I won't stand for that. It's time to yell, and scream, and say that I am ME! Don't stop me now.


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